What were those stars at the Hope for Haiti phone bank really saying?

George Clooney Hope for Haiti

Telethon host George Clooney

Quite unknown to the participants in last evening’s ‘Hope for Haiti’ all star telethon, martyduren.com has been able to speak with a listener willing to share what was overheard at the phone bank. The Hope for Haiti telethon aired on every major network, some minor networks and, reportedly, the CIA satellite surveillance system from 8:00-10:00pm, Friday, January 22.

Alternating between stars making special appeals (Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts), Haitian survivors and musicians both in the U.S. and London, the show struck a good balance between entertainment and information. On several occasions, viewers were allowed to listen in on live conversations with Reese Witherspoon, Taylor Swift and Steven Spielburg.

Unfortunately, not all of the conversations were broadcast leaving much good insight on the floor of the stage. As a result of our contact, martyduren.com is glad to bring you as many as can be covered in this brief post. Interestingly, the stars seem to bear a close resemblance to characters they have portrayed either in film, on TV or news reports.

The Jonas Brothers (in a high pitched squeal): “Well, we’re not sure what we’re doing there either.”

George Clooney: “Thanks for your donation to the Democratic National Committee.”

Steven Spielburg: “Oh, yes, I won an Oscar for ‘Schindler’s List.’ You think it took long enough? Tell me about it.”

Mel Gibson (to Steven Spielburg): “Geez…that tightwad only gave $5.00. Must’ve been Jewish.”

John Krasinski: “Wow. That credit card isn’t good either, Mr. Schrute. Imagine that.”

Dijmon Honsou: “No, Ma’am. I’m not from Haiti, I’m from France.”

Clint Eastwood: “You gonna make a donation punk? Well, are ya?”

Jennifer Aniston: “No, I haven’t spoken to Brad. Yes, I know he’s on stage.”

Daniel Day-Lewis: “I DRINK YOUR DONATION!!”

Robin Williams: “Thank you for your [bleep] donation. That [bleep] earthquake was a [bleep] wasn’t it? [Bleep] yeah!”

Brad Pitt: “So, did you like my beard beads?”

Rainn Wilson: “IS THIS JIM??”

Ellen DeGeneres: “I’m Dori. I’m sorry, why are you calling? Oh, yeah, telethon. Whose telethon? Haiti? Well, hey-tee to you to. Who is this? Oh, yeah. Why are you calling?”

Randy Jackson: “Hey dog, thanks for the donation, dog. A million percent yes, dog. Dog, that’s the bomb dog.” Next caller, “$1.00? Dude, I’m just not feeling it, dog.”

Chevy Chase: “Thanks for the donation, no I won’t bend over and sing ‘Moon River.'”

Jack Nicholson: “Want to make a donation? You think you’re entitled? You can’t handle a donation!!

Son, we live in a world that has disasters, and those disasters have to be helped by stars with phones. Whose gonna do it? You? Your momma? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Haiti and you curse Pat Robertson. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Haiti’s earthquake, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my working the phone bank, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.

You don’t want to donate because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on this phone, you need me on this phone. We use words like botox, courtside, and surgery. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent spending fortunes. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor inclination to take a donation from a man who calls the toll free number I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said, ‘Thank you,’ and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a credit card and read a number.”

While this post is tagged ‘humor’ and ‘satire’ opportunities to give are real. If you are so inclined, you may use either of the buttons near the top of the page to make a donation.

If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy Dear Pat Robertson, SHUT YOUR FREAKING MOUTH!!. Thanks to my son, Timothy, for help with this post.

Marty Duren

Just a guy writing some things.

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