Tonight the major networks will host a debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. (Third party candidates have been asked to stay home. Upsetting the accepted narrative is frowned upon by the Presidential Debate Commission.)
Of these few things you can be sure:
1. Both men will say something good.
2. Both men will make gaffes.
3. Even if Barack Obama falls off the stage, drops an F-bomb, and lights up a Marlboro while talking about healthcare, Democrats will proclaim him the winner within a nanosecond of the host’s “Goodnight and thanks for watching.”
4. Even if Mitt Romney breaks out a roll of thousand dollar bills as thick as Andre the Giant’s fist, introduces his two other wives to America, and calls for dispersing the Social Security Trust Fund among the Forbes 400, Republicans will shout down the Democrats in proclaiming a win.
5. Both men will be unswervingly bold in their promises and incomprehensibly vague in their substance.
6. Mitt Romney will say Obama has gotten almost nothing right.
7. Barack Obama will say Romney would get almost nothing right.
8. Obama will say “47%” enough times for an entire frat house to be drunk from beer pong.
9. Romney will mention “unemployment” enough times for Joe Biden to realize his four year burden comment was actually a slam on his boss.
10. No Democrats will change their minds.
11. No Republicans will change their minds.
12. Anyone who decides to vote based on a debate should probably have their voter registration card revoked.
Good night, and good luck.