This is so bad on so many levels, I would not even know where to start. Please do not allow the comments section to be as badly done as the effort in this video.

Not even to mention that this was apparently done in a church service somewhere. Please tell me they broke out the rattlesnakes after this was over. Oh, and I’m about 10,000% sure that this has not been endorsed by Sarah Palin. But, I’ve been wrong before…

If I’m not mistaken, the offertory hymn was “Coal Miner’s Daughter.”

What started as a beach party ended in disaster when Guam capsized from being out of balance.

Representative Hank Johnson, Democrat from Georgia’s 4th district, said, “This is exactly what I was worried about. Can you imagine how much more quickly this might have happened if 8,000 Marines and their families were on the island? We would have lost 25,000 American lives in addition to all those Guamanites who drowned.”

Johnson was mocked and condemned for a statement made on March 25, 2010, in which he told a stunned American admiral that Guam might “tip over and capsize” if the Americans were added to the population. “There was no way that Guam would tip from north to south; it’s too long. But, I knew that flipping from side-to-side was a possibility and that’s exactly what happened.”

Dr. Heinrich Stein from the Latin American Seismic Institute noted, “Well, we’ve never seen an island flip over before. Frankly, we didn’t even think that Guam could be a floater until we saw Avatar. The depictions of islands in the air got us to thinking about islands floating in water, but we didn’t get a chance to initiate our studies. Ironically, Guam was going to be where we started.”

Representative Johnson continued, “Unfortunately the video which has been seen by so many people was cut off before I finished my explanation. I warned the admiral that we already had a perfect example with the capsizing of Atlantis. He then seemed to be thinking through the idea more seriously.”

The video of “tip over and capsize” has been viewed hundreds of thousands of time, most often leading to mockery or derision of the congressman. He’s not surprised. “I’m known as a humorous person, so people thought I was just joking around about Guam. The people in my district have heard me yell “Fire” in a crowded theater more than once, then laugh it up with the patrons in the parking lot while the fire trucks were hosing down a perfectly fine building. And what about that traffic video with me streaking through a busy intersection during rush hour? They were chuckling for weeks over that. In fact, many people in Georgia say my entire time in the House has been one long joke!”

“I guess I should have been more clear that I was being serious,” Representative Johnson concluded.

It isn’t immediately certain what will happen to the surviving residents of Guam. Rescuers from the nearby Northern Mariana Islands began loading survivors onto boats within 2 hours. Incredibly Guam’s governor, Felix Perez Camacho, survived and has been safely moved to Song Song on the next closest island. There has already been some speculation that the now inverted island will be re-inhabited at some point, though the name will likely be changed to Maug, which is Guam spelled backward.

Hank Johnson is hopeful. “I’m sure they’ve learned from this event and, if they are able to move back onto the island will be more careful not to have everyone on one side. I also hope that the U. S. military will think twice before sending 25,000 Marines and their families until some island “floaties” can be installed for stability. Things would be safer in the long run.”

Telethon host George Clooney

Alternating between stars making special appeals (Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts), Haitian survivors and musicians both in the U.S. and London, the show struck a good balance between entertainment and information. On several occasions, viewers were allowed to listen in on live conversations with Reese Witherspoon, Taylor Swift and Steven Spielburg.

Unfortunately, not all of the conversations were broadcast leaving much good insight on the floor of the stage. As a result of our contact, martyduren.com is glad to bring you as many as can be covered in this brief post. Interestingly, the stars seem to bear a close resemblance to characters they have portrayed either in film, on TV or news reports.

The Jonas Brothers (in a high pitched squeal): “Well, we’re not sure what we’re doing there either.”

George Clooney: “Thanks for your donation to the Democratic National Committee.”

Steven Spielburg: “Oh, yes, I won an Oscar for ‘Schindler’s List.’ You think it took long enough? Tell me about it.”

Mel Gibson (to Steven Spielburg): “Geez…that tightwad only gave $5.00. Must’ve been Jewish.”

John Krasinski: “Wow. That credit card isn’t good either, Mr. Schrute. Imagine that.”

Dijmon Honsou: “No, Ma’am. I’m not from Haiti, I’m from France.”

Clint Eastwood: “You gonna make a donation punk? Well, are ya?”

Jennifer Aniston: “No, I haven’t spoken to Brad. Yes, I know he’s on stage.”

Daniel Day-Lewis: “I DRINK YOUR DONATION!!”

Robin Williams: “Thank you for your [bleep] donation. That [bleep] earthquake was a [bleep] wasn’t it? [Bleep] yeah!”

Brad Pitt: “So, did you like my beard beads?”

Rainn Wilson: “IS THIS JIM??”

Ellen DeGeneres: “I’m Dori. I’m sorry, why are you calling? Oh, yeah, telethon. Whose telethon? Haiti? Well, hey-tee to you to. Who is this? Oh, yeah. Why are you calling?”

Randy Jackson: “Hey dog, thanks for the donation, dog. A million percent yes, dog. Dog, that’s the bomb dog.” Next caller, “$1.00? Dude, I’m just not feeling it, dog.”

Chevy Chase: “Thanks for the donation, no I won’t bend over and sing ‘Moon River.’”

Jack Nicholson: “Want to make a donation? You think you’re entitled? You can’t handle a donation!!

Son, we live in a world that has disasters, and those disasters have to be helped by stars with phones. Whose gonna do it? You? Your momma? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Haiti and you curse Pat Robertson. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Haiti’s earthquake, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my working the phone bank, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.

You don’t want to donate because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on this phone, you need me on this phone. We use words like botox, courtside, and surgery. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent spending fortunes. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor inclination to take a donation from a man who calls the toll free number I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said, ‘Thank you,’ and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a credit card and read a number.”

While this post is tagged ‘humor’ and ‘satire’ opportunities to give are real. If you are so inclined, you may use either of the buttons near the top of the page to make a donation.

If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy Dear Pat Robertson, SHUT YOUR FREAKING MOUTH!!. Thanks to my son, Timothy, for help with this post.